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Posts Tagged ‘trusting God’

A year ago today they took my father to the hospital. He was so weak he could barely get down half a popsicle and he missed the last day of fishing season (for those of you who know him, you know this is a GINORMOUS deal). The hospital admitted him when they realized his liver, kidneys, and heart were failing. They didn’t even have time to figure out what strain of meningitis it was. We were told we could have lost him; that we’d nearly lost him. The only reason we didn’t was because his doctor’s father had died of undiagnosed meningitis and he was being overly careful.

I’d like to say this was mercy. But how do you see anyone’s loss as mercy?

A year ago today I was weeks from closing on my house. Once they got my dad stabilized, he made legal calls on my behalf to make sure the deal went through. That’s the kind of man he is.

A year ago today I had an agent reviewing my book, my fairytale, my love. The best thing I’ve ever written because it came out unbidden. The agent ultimately turned it down.

A year ago today the world was full of promise and full of despair. I had hopes for career and home while facing serious concerns I’d lose my father. The least of my worries was that we didn’t get to join Sister Kate and family on vacation in New York. We called it the year of ‘it is what it is’. Everything broke and we just kept spinning.

Today, things aren’t much different and they are incredibly different. It’s still the year of ‘it is what it is’. I’m still working toward my fairytale, but I still don’t have an agent. My dad is still sick; we didn’t lose him, but we did lose his brother—a man who set the world on fire in all the right ways, a man I can’t even write about because my words will fall short. My family is still planning a vacation with Sister Kate, and I think we’ll make it this time. I’m still stressing about my house (tenant and renovation issues, not to mention the fly-apocalypse), but I’m the proud owner now.

And I’m still wrestling with this question: How do you see loss as mercy?

My health has failed me. That’s the unvarnished truth. You’ll probably find that out when you watch my upcoming interview with Monsters Inside Me on Animal Planet so I might as well tell you now. And when God isn’t a genie who heals you or saves your finances or makes people behave honorably or allows you to move mountains, what does trust look like? Just what am I trusting Him for?

Because He IS trustworthy. And He IS kind. And He IS good. These things are non-negotiable. And instead of the silence I referenced in the Answers post, I’m getting a very steady answer of, “I’m here.” That’s the extent of the message, but it is message enough.

I wonder, perhaps, if I’m trusting God to be there. Not to prevent tragedy or difficulty or loss, but to be in it with me. To make sure I face nothing alone—not the sweetest joys or the worst terrors. Because, really, isn’t companionship what we crave most? A friend to laugh with. A friend to hold you. A friend to challenge you. A friend that never fails to be there at your best moment and your worst—even if they don’t say a word. And I’ve got the best friend I could ask for in God.

Sometimes, the mountains aren’t meant to be moved. Sometimes they are meant to be climbed. So grab your climbing buddy and get going.

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For the last three days I have wrestled with a question long plaguing me: What kind of person am I?

It was a few days ago–after I booked my cruise from June 30-July 4 for a sister-get-a-way–that I learned I needed to be in Florida for a July 5th wedding. The possibilities of the trip were limitless, while the constraints were just as limiting. I could not leave until after I got back from my cruise; I have a performance at a fundraising picnic scheduled not long after the wedding; oh, and details on the wedding are just about as scant as they can be. Then add my 21-year-old age making it hard to get a rental car, my need to use my energy reserves wisely as I battle Lyme’s Disease, and my artist-life budget to the mix. I found myself in a daze as I tried to pull together a trip to a wedding I simply had to attend. There are times in our lives when even the impossible must be accomplished for the sake of a friend. And so it was… As an organizer and a planner it is deeply instilled in me that I need to know how things will work out before I do them. For a wedding like this, that’s impossible to achieve. So in all my worldliness I panicked.

It took three days of research, budgeting, calling, talking, praying, and planning; but I finally worked out the details. The trip is far from the exciting vacation in Florida as I had originally thought it would be, but it does meet all my obligations at a price that shouldn’t quite deplete my savings. What I learned: If you can’t do it cheaply, at least do it well.

All the penny-pinching in the world could not have made this trip practical. But, in the end, what kind of person am I? One who hoards her resources like miser? One who retreats because the details are unpolished? Or one who extends myself and the gifts God has granted me for ministry, friendship, and love? I think deep inside me I knew that I was not really freaking out about planning a trip to Florida. While I could not express it, I understood that I was wrestling with a question that would define who I become. And I’m so glad that the struggle is over and the answer is determined. This is how I choose to live: “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” ~Galatians 5:22-23. I choose to joyfully and peacefully go to Florida to show love, faithfulness, and kindness to a good friend. And with increasing self-control, goodness, and gentleness, I will strive to put panic behind me as I find more trust in following God.

Crisis averted.

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